Galatea/CyberGun Films Special: Pig in Mud

And so it is that we examine the last will and testament of the late Harold Ragsdale. Before he died, he was working on one last plan: an animated movie. Animated movies have a long, long lead time and legally the film can’t be released yet due to tax issues, so it is that we, with the help of others, share a synopsis of Pig in Mud.
Austin Shinn
It starts with a long sequence describing how Pigs once ran the planet as equals to man. There’s a long conspiracy sequence that attempts to prove Shakespeare was a pig. But when the American revolution happened, pigs were stricken from the arts and banished to farms. Their flesh was consumed in a ritual to remind them never to rise up. We then starwipe to the title card and credits over star background.

Albert Wiltfong
The camera drops down into a stable, where we see our hero swine (that’s what he’s called throughout the movie by various characters with no prompt). We see his normal day play out, but at night he sneaks into the barn to practice saxophone and karate moves, simultaneously. There is a 5 minute montage of him doing this. The next day, he wakes up to find that the farmer has disappeared without a trace.

Zephyr Ostrowski
Our hero swine enters the farmer’s house to find that he’s gone. Split between trying to look for clues and feeding his belly, he raids the fridge and makes himself some bacon, oblivious to the fact that he is consuming the flesh of his brethren. After breakfast, he trots upstairs to find a ransom note on the nightstand and spilled dentures on the floor.

Will Binns
Well, the pig straps the saxophone to their back and puts on the karate gi (including headband), packs a bindle full of snacks (including bacon) and the dentures and heads out, reading the ransom note that he’s clutching in one trotter, snacking on another bacon sandwich as he goes. We pan over the note and see that it says to bring $3000 to old MacReady’s farm, which nobody’s heard from in years. If he can’t pony up the cash in less than a week, the farmer’s toast. But where’s this pig gonna get that kinda scratch?

Paul Andolina
We get a flashback. The farmer Macready hadn’t been seen in years. Mcready was a chicken farmer but a toxic spill near the chicken feed had turned the chicken into murderous evil geniuses. they had used Macready to raise funds for their nefarious undertakings but Macready had managed to escape, the chickens in an elaborate pig costume had convinced the farmer to come with them but was hogtied and taken to their evil lair.

Web Bist

Our hero swine makes his way into the city, remembering the farmer goes there for business every month. The fresh country air transforms into a grimy city smog. The tall majestic trees are replaced with cold, austere skyscrapers. Our hero swine’s karate training innately alerts him to be on guard. Treating each unfamiliar sight and sound with suspicion and caution. However, his seemingly impenetrable guard crumbles when he sees an old blind man sitting on a blue, decrepit crate. A worn down black travel case sits in front of the frail man with a few dollars inside. A sign sits next to the case with a message, thanking everyone for anything they can give. The man is playing a saxophone.

Audrey Manning
Our hero swine stops to rest for a second. The blind man nods in his direction. “I know you’re there, brother, I can smell your bacon. And your brass. Let’s jam, what do you say?” Our hero swine grunts and gets his saxophone out. “Guest chooses the song, as long as it ain’t too sad. You know, on account of me bein homeless and blind and a third tragic thing about me that’s significant to the story but I’m not ready to reveal yet.” Our hero swine thinks for a few seconds, then starts playing Talk Dirty To Me by Jason Derulo. The old man joins in. A group of people gather round, not used to seeing animals play anything other than classical music on the street. Several people threw money into the case. When the song ended, the blind man wiped a tear from his eye and said, “that was our wedding song, me and my sweet Janine…oh I miss her every day.” Our hero swine grunted sympathetically. “Ah, and that reminds me of our wedding night.” Suddenly a knife whizzes just past our hero swine, hitting the old man in the leg.
“(bleep) this, now I got stabbed? I’m starting to think my life is goin downhill.” Our hero swine hears ruffled feathers in the distance, and another knife comes flying at the blind man, but this time our good swine catches it with ninja reflexes between his hooves. The crowd disperses, being very bored with knife street fights, so cliche. Our swine looks at the knife handle and sees an inscription of the initials J. R. M. And a fowl footprint. This was certainly an attempt at foul play, but why?
“I know I lost my Obamacare but can you yank this knife out of me or shoot me up with some of my heroin or something? The old man groans.

Repo Q
Yanking out the knife, the hero swine then takes the blind man to a nearby hospital. He gets placed into a wheelchair blessed with the magical ability to grant the user the ability to have the user to instantly know the ancient martial art of wheelchair-fu. Tracing the knife, they track its owner down to tourist trap restaurant, one like Hard Rock but for country music.

Swine and his new friend hightail their way to the tourist trap from which they traced the knife. As they approach, Swine realizes that he slightly recognizes the environment, but can’t quite place how he’s seen it all before. Swine and the man race into the building, they’re Jazz instruments in hand only to find the place deserted. Suddenly a spotlight shines down on the two warriors and they prepare for battle only to be greeted by the clapping of wings. A clapping chicken approaches the two and says, “Bravo, bravo. I’ve been waiting a long time for you…” Swine looks to the chicken, noticing his wrinkles and signs of old age. “Who are you?” Swine says. “Me?” The chicken says. “I’m no one….just your father.”
He’s a chicken too.

Ryan B
Swine tells the chicken “bull shit” the chicken then proceeds to take off his head to reveal he’s Tommy Wiseau and says “I like you but threes a crowd.”

Harold Ragsdale (from notes)
So then! Then Swine! He goes and he punches him again and he’s not Wiseau but the spirit of all goddamn art ever! He tells Swine that he will become the next avatar of art and easily earn that 3 grand but he must defeat ART ITSELF in a battle royale. So all o a sudden Swine is in a f***in’ arena and all the paintings ever come at him but he spits pig acid on them and they dissolve. Then movies start playing on the screens but Swine punches them. Then books fly at him but he burns them with his ears! AND HFS! Music itself is the final battle. So Swine sings!
“Pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig
Pig pig pig pig pig pig pig
Pig pig pig pig pig pig
Pig pig pig pig pig
Pig pig pig pig
Pig pig pig
Pig pig
AND MUSIC ITSELF IS ABSORBED INTO HIM! Swine glows and becomes all art, creating a CRISIS! Suddenly Swine is GOD! He makes pigs rule the world! He cries out to all beings that he will be a benevolent god as long as they are good. Then all creatures on earth have a dance sequence over the end credits to the greatest song ever: Wild Wild West by Escape Club.


Happy April Fools Day!

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